Does everyone get take ‘by mouth’ printed on their pills or did the pharmacist look me over and think hmm…this guy might go the other way?

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flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me


GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this


Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation


me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back


My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.


It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…


Financial status:

10 days ago: eating cat food.

Today: eating the cat.


Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country?

2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?


I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there