@GiantsofDiving

Does everyone get take ‘by mouth’ printed on their pills or did the pharmacist look me over and think hmm…this guy might go the other way?

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@dlicj

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

@Home_Halfway

GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this

@LeslieDonnelly2

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

@funflaps

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

@LoveNLunchmeat

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

@TheBoydP

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

@Trigg3rHippie

Financial status:

10 days ago: eating cat food.

Today: eating the cat.

@robfee

Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country?

2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?

@MelvinofYork

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there