*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
When they try to steal your moment.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
This will never not be funny 😭
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!