“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
just got my engagement photos
Can. I. Help. You.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?