What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
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Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Hey Fugeddaboutit