@kcmoore51

Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?

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@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

@SardonicTart

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

@GrillinChillin9

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

@ruinedpicnic

[checks window]
[locks door]
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@SondraDeeMe

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

@HomeWithPeanut

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

@JB4Realz

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.