[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

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girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts


[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?



Me: the eagles won last night

Co worker: oh did you watch the game

Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game


Boss: Are you done with those reports yet?

Me: Can you stop hovering over me?

Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack]

Me: Much better.


How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?


That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him


judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn


This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.


Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife


People say sharks swim amongst us all the time like that’s comforting. If velociraptors lurked around basketball courts and only attacked a few times a year I guarantee Will would have never been on that court, gotten into that fight, nor moved with his auntie & uncle in Bel Aire