@thatdutchperson

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

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@OBiiieeee

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

@FrazzleMyGimp

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

@rudy_mustang

Me: the eagles won last night

Co worker: oh did you watch the game

Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game

@thatUPSdude

Boss: Are you done with those reports yet?

Me: Can you stop hovering over me?

Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack]

Me: Much better.

@HoldinCoffeeld

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

@Shen_the_Bird

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

@Tmoney68

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

@psybermonkey

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

@noodlegrip

People say sharks swim amongst us all the time like that’s comforting. If velociraptors lurked around basketball courts and only attacked a few times a year I guarantee Will would have never been on that court, gotten into that fight, nor moved with his auntie & uncle in Bel Aire