girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: the eagles won last night
Co worker: oh did you watch the game
Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game
Boss: Are you done with those reports yet?
Me: Can you stop hovering over me?
Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack]
Me: Much better.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
People say sharks swim amongst us all the time like that’s comforting. If velociraptors lurked around basketball courts and only attacked a few times a year I guarantee Will would have never been on that court, gotten into that fight, nor moved with his auntie & uncle in Bel Aire