[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
choose your fighter
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
😂😂😂
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!