Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
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F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.