Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”