The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?
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A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?
Them: You’re burnt out.
T: You need a break
T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?
T: Hell no.
Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble