@klecket

Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?

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@AndyRichter

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

@dadopotamus

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

@KentWGraham

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

@missmayn

Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?

@MomOnFire

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

@djrogge

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

@sarcasticmommy4

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

@edsbs

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble