@klecket

Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?

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@turtledumplin

No one gets more scared than the kid that makes their younger sibling cry while mom is in the other room.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@nimble__nick

Dog: [Barks at the mailman]
Human: Bad dog.
Dog: [Turns to the camera] My human hates bills, yet gets mad when I try to scare the guy off.

@JasonLastname

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@blondecalamity

A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*

@trevso_electric

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

@Contwixt

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.