“A rug, but PERMANENT! It’ll capture all your beloved dirt & filth for years to come! Each stain tells a special tale!”
-inventor of carpet
Does it creep anyone else out that Donald Duck eats a turkey dinner on ‘Once Upon A Christmas’? Isn’t that a form of cannibalism?
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[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Me: ur husbands dead
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Pitch: child wishes to become big & does. Gets job at toy company & his youthful perspective doesn’t help cuz he’s got the brain of a child.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.