Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there