Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.