Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Saturday
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!