[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..