Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.