@pro_worrier_

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

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@rebrafsim

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

@juliussharpe

Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.

@ThisLocalHater

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

@turdfailure

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

@GlennyRodge

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

@RuthDavidsonMSP

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

@itsmebeegee07

I just attempted a smoky eye and long story short, the raccoons have made me their leader

@pharmasean

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels