Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
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WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
wow
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”