Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

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Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?


Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.


Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.


If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.


I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me


Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.


Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.


I just attempted a smoky eye and long story short, the raccoons have made me their leader


Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels