“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

You Might Also Like


my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon


Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal


Doctor: Holy shit


WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny


THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay


Him: *recites romantic speech he wrote about his undying love for me*

Priest: And the bride?

Me: *realising my vows weren’t supposed to be a list of the shit I won’t put up with* um, pass.


I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’


Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:


I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.


The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.