@Slygirl08

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

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@PetePsquared

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

@Jez1

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

@Cheeseboy22

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

@NewDadNotes

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

@junejuly12

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

@garrettn

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

@timdonakowski

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

@KattsDogma

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn