Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
did it work
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Morning.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social