*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
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Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]