@Playing_Dad

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

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@matt___nelson

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

@SoulYodeler

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

@CryMeAG1ver

When the sperm and the egg really love each other, they get a womb.

@tweetmommybop

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

@Sassafrantz

Out of all the children’s stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How’s someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh

@TheDairylandDon

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

@geekysteven

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

@drinksmcgee

Trainer: I don’t think you’re taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*