Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”