*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
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you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
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Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.