Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.