@BigBec43

*does something weird*

*looks around for witnesses*

*sees no one*

*does something weird, LOUDER*

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@markleggett

ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.

@jaeIeon

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

@fairycakes

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

@UncleDuke1969

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

@theyearofelan

If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet

@lasergirl70

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

@ChipKellysBalls

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

@Ophoenix1

I’ve been watching the Crime Investigation channel all day. Murder just seems like the easiest way to solve your problems.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.