@zebrasyndicate

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

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@PaulFrei

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

@MNateShyamalan

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

@sixfootcandy

Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.

@RadBadger

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

@inpoliteco

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

@GetCougarized

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

@QwertyJones3

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

@GrowlyGrego

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

@pittdave13

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free