“You’re an idiot.”
-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
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Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.