Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

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“You’re an idiot.”

-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.


Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.


me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same


I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.


“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably


Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.


Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.


-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.


I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.