Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
You Might Also Like
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.