My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Chuck Norris tries this at home.