[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

You Might Also Like


My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.


Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.


Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.


“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“Print it.”


Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days


Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.


Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey


Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.