[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
This is my emotional support knife.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.