@online_shawn

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

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@JanineEB4

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

@Goofpoops

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

@toastymoe

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

@_youhadonejob1

“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“Print it.”

@TheRealRHB

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

@Majorboobage

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

@RobbySlowik

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

@joonloons

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.