First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
*Jury starts The Wave*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.