@chrissyteigen

Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug

You Might Also Like

@notalogin

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

@AngelaEhh

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

@Storminika

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

@JBelk78

You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.

@brandonIee

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

@Thynebear

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

@joeyhuggles

My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy

@NikiWithIssues

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

@Scdavis24

Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.