Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Chicago sounds lovely.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Okey dokey.