Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
The old gods are rising again.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
😲 WTF? 😆
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
THE AUDACITY. 😤
(by @ZachWeiner )
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.