@jctwritesstuff

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

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@Fred_Delicious

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

@DaddyJew

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

@FeelingMervis

DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.

@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

@KentWGraham

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

@TheAlexP

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

@KimmyMonte

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

@ZaraEatWorld

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

@Jandalize

I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.