*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”


If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?


DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.


They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.


Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.


Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet


There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.


*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.


The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …


I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.