*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
oh shit
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you