*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
You Might Also Like
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
selfie game
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
People buying plungers never look happy.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“A little help here, Danny?”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.