Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.