Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Art by Pastelkatto
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Tremendous stuff
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?