@amishschool

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

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@JohnHilsen

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

@UncleDuke1969

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

@Gupton68

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

@charliedelta7

I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

@IMBeanz

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

@murrman5

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

@MollySneed

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

@80sjams

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

@matt___nelson

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

@StinkyGr33n

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*