Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*