@JohnHilsen
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
@amishschool
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
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@JohnHilsen
@UncleDuke1969
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
@Gupton68
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
@charliedelta7
I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
@IMBeanz
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
@murrman5
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
@MollySneed
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
@80sjams
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
@matt___nelson
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
@StinkyGr33n
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*