Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
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Cucumbers Anonymous
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Has science gone too far?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.