Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
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I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020