Does this dress make me look cat?

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by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you


*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*


I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”


TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]


last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.

i think about that a lot.

…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.


Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat


Me: How was the party last night?

17: It was fun. The cops came.

Me: What???

17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away.

Me: That’s my girl.


[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late