by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.
i think about that a lot.
…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.
When you’re at a sleepover and your friend doesn’t give you a blanket
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: How was the party last night?
17: It was fun. The cops came.
17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away.
Me: That’s my girl.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late