Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock