“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
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This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I am also baked goods
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.