@BitterKrust

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

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@danadonly

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

@MarlonBrandNO

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

@AimeeHelene1

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

@justokpanda

I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself

@Lhlodder

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

@concretesledge_

The tag on this hot tub reads “6 man” when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!

@LoveNLunchmeat

Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?