I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
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Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I believe the plural is “milves.”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT