For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.