“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Stop it! 😂
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.