@Fred_Delicious

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

You Might Also Like

@AngryBlackLady

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

@junejuly12

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

@Bob_Janke

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

@TedOfficialPage

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

@envydatropic

There’s no quicker evacuation than alcohol telling your stomach the party is over