Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
You Might Also Like
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
fixed it
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”