Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Life is a suicide mission.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
God, I love Scotland
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.