Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
What number SPF blocks people?
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
We avoided this particular disaster
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake