Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
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My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us