Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
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*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool