“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

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I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.


Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no


Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…


Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so


When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.


Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.


When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?


I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room



[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children