“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
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*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…