@tuckonthis

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

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@caithuls

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

@WryBry

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

@GrantTanaka

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

@SondraDeeMe

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

@Robert_Beau

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

@ComedicBust

[Commercial]

“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”

Me: YES

“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”

Me: [heavy sigh]

@TheClingyGF

If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.