[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
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Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
What
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off