Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
You Might Also Like
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.