*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
#Caturday
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.