Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business