The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
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What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
If you marry the murder weapon, they legally can’t use it as evidence in your trial.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point