@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

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@Mr_Kapowski

The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station

@TheAndrewNadeau

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

@RadiationGhoul

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

@Darlainky

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

@drinksmcgee

If you marry the murder weapon, they legally can’t use it as evidence in your trial.

@StruggleDisplay

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

@1evilidiot

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

@copymama

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

@MissSassy_Pants

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

@English_Channel

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point