DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.