@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

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@Manali_Shetye5

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”TitaniumToplass”;s:5:”image”;s:66:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1616803443/photobomb_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”319661105335115779″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:100:”Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@Love_bug1016

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

@Classy_Cassy89

If the people in your car don’t match the stick figures on your rear window, I’ll report your vehicle stolen.

@RickAaron

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

@Danisrivera

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

@rolldiggity

If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”